I work from home (I have my own business), so working remotely and digitally is nothing new to me, and I didn’t really have to make any adjustments because of COVID. Luckily, my business continued as it had before the shutdown, so even from that perspective, work didn’t really feel any different to me.
Personally though, was an ENTIRELY different matter. I am a very social person… a “hugger”… and being part of something (belonging) is really important to me. And, no surprise, my love language is physical touch, so being single with no children and the nearest family a 6-hour drive away was HARD.
Like many people, I became depressed. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Even though I was “used” to living alone, and working from home, it felt different. Knowing that I couldn’t go out and find ways to connect with people and find outlets for my social nature was brutal.
Being “forced” to be alone with yourself is an interesting experience. I don’t think most of us realize how little people actually take the time to really, truly get alone with ourselves.
It’s scary. That means I might have to face thoughts and demons I thought I had successfully pushed to the deepest darkest corners of my mind, there to dwell in silence for all eternity. That I might have to come face to face with some of those unflattering or negative beliefs I have held about myself – you know, the ones that aren’t true and don’t serve you any more… but you hang onto them anyway because they keep you “safe”?
In the first 6 weeks, I had the television on ALL the time. I needed the sound, the company, the distraction. I worked with the television on, I sat in front of the television for dinner and until I went to bed. Like so many of us, I binge-watched television shows, romantic movies, comedies, you name it! Anything to keep me from having to face myself.
Silence was VERY uncomfortable.
But then, something happened… I began to get comfortable with being with myself. I actually took some time for introspection. I turned off the television and intentionally explored some of those darker corners of my mind. I reached out to friends and family, instead of waiting for them to reach out to me. I had virtual happy hours, and video chats… and one day, I realized I hadn’t had the TV on all day. I discovered that I liked myself. That being alone with myself was really very freeing and very valuable time that we don’t get much these days.
Getting to know myself better helped me solidify what I really want to do with my business. What my dreams are for my life. It helped me define what “success” really means to me – not what the world tells me it’s supposed to look like. It helped me reconnect with an old friend and create a collaboration group, which led to a new product… which is totally in line with what I really want my work to be about.
I traded television for audio books and podcasts by people who were doing what I wanted to do or had knowledge that could help me get there. I created a vision board for my future, and started speaking into what it will be like… envisioning my ideal day, the travels I will go on, the people I will work and spend time with. Without the “noise” of everyday life, things became crystal clear. Having that extended time of quiet allowed me to really anchor in this new knowledge and vision, without distraction.
I chose not to watch the news (still don’t)… not to get sucked into the fear and misinformation that is so rampant these days. I stay informed, but that’s all.
What began as a lonely, scary time turned into an internal awakening of sorts, bringing me closer to what I want for my life. Even in the midst of the turmoil, I found I was grateful for the opportunity, and for the silence.
This blog was originally submitted and published in The Corona Silver Linings Anthology in December 2020.
